It’s amazing how much of my psyche I’ve come to understand within the past year.
For example, I’ve long harbored an interest in “survival” type shows, worst-case scenario books/guides, and the like. Probably because in my own mind, it’s only a matter of time before I am forced into a survival situation because something I consider vital to existence fails me. And I’m only trying to prepare myself. How Girl Scout-y of me, and yet, how sad.
Another example, I really love speech pathology. I’d dare to say I’m okay at it. Maybe good. You know why? Cause I’m really great at picking out PROBLEMS. THIS is wrong, THIS is wrong, this will probably go wrong so let’s try this to alleviate that possibility. I am always looking for the splinter that one day is going to cause the tree to break. I’d say this is my biggest flaw, but without it, maybe I wouldn’t be a decent speech pathologist. Either way, it’s all starting to make sense.
Do you ever realize you could change certain things about yourself if you wanted to, and that maybe to the world those changes would be good changes? But you don’t change because that change would make you not-you anymore? Sometimes it’s hard for me to qualify whether A), these are simply bad habits that need to be broken, and that I’m addicted to dysfunctionality, or B) as I mentioned above in regards to speech path, I’ve got completely the wrong frame of mind and I should value all parts of me, even those that I find cause me pain at times.
Not really sure.
Every day I vow not to deplete myself to fill someone else but I find myself doing it, every day. I do my best to do things to care of myself and put myself first, but that part of me, that in-love part of me would rather see him be happy than me satisfied. It’s probably my greatest attribute and both my biggest downfall. I am constantly trying to find my balance. I am light-years closer to achieving this than I ever was as a teenager, but I still see my old habits, my old attitudes, my old obsessions trying to push their way in and around my head. It’s a good thing I’m not those things anymore, but I am aware that I could easily fall for them again; they are all too attractive at times.
And I can tell when I’m falling for them. My anxiety rises and I get into almost a manic state of rushing to get from point A to point B. And the worst part is that all the while, I’m totally aware of it! I can feel my brain switching into that mode and while I might fight it for 30 minutes, or an hour, I will eventually give in.
There have been days when I’ve held my ground longer than that. And times recently when I’ve spoke up when I should have, and I’m proud of those moments. I guess the point of this post is to encourage myself to slow down, and realize that the minutes of my life I spend in these manic-like states are minutes of my life, that I own. And I need to revel in them, and slow down.
Some days, it is 5 p.m.
in Los Angeles and 8 p.m.
in New York, and timezones
are not the only thing that is
off about your life:
Every love you’ve ever lost
is tucked away in your chest
cavities, and you think you’re
developing cavities from the
sweet things you want…
You think you’re waiting for help. For someone to tell you what the right thing to do is. Even though, at the back of your mind, you already know what that is. So all you’re really waiting for, is a time when you’re forced to do it.
I really want this.